Reflections: DEATH, PAIN, REGRET
by Aoi Jade
Summary: Johnny's POV: Reflecting on stuff that I think might of happened in his past, about his 'parents', and his life alone. Messed up stuff. I hope it doesnt offend anyone in certain parts, you'll see what I mean. WARNING: Border-line R.


Reflections:  
  
DEATH, PAIN, REGRET  
  
  
  
My reflection.....  
  
Pale.....thin.....dark circles under my empty eyes....a red stain soaked into my shirt.......yeah....this is me. How the hell I turned out like this is beyond me......then again.....I suppose being alone for most of your life with only demons to talk to can have this affect on you....  
  
I have ALWAYS been alone......too "different".....too "weird" to belong anywhere.....  
  
All they could do was laugh at me when I was a child.....about my apearence.....about my strange hobbies......my drawings......"Freak" was the name I went by for most of my youth......until they all began to know me as "Nny"....and even then, the name "Freak" still stuck....  
  
Sometimes I wonder if they even remember the shit they put me through.....or even remember me in general....who knows....they're probubly too busy with the fame and fortune they always said they would have.......ha....yeah, I've seen where most of them are today.....sittiing in a gutter somewhere with four, five kids, selling crack to get by.....their no better than I am....doomed to fail at anything they try....needing something but never having it....just like the rest of the world......I know how that feels.....and then some......take everything they've been through and compare it to me......and they're lives seem like a paradise....  
  
I'm in my late 20's and I've got nothing.....no one......and I honestly believe I never will.....some people are just ment to be alone.....and I believe I'm one of them....I've already tried actually being with someone.....Devi......but, even then, it was just better for me to forget.....lock any "emotion" in that corner in my mind, the one that held everything I wanted to be...but knew I couldn't become.  
  
But it doesnt matter anyway.....not now......I've been numb for a long time....no use in trying to warm up to things now....no use trying at all.....theres not a thing in this world I havent done....  
  
I've lost count of how many people I've killed......how many times I sat in the middle of one of my massacars and thought, "This is me...this is my LIFE?"  
  
Suprisingly....after about the fourth time of seeing it.....DEATH....it doesnt bother you at all.....weither it be yout own or someone elses.....thats how this fucked up life started....with my 'father' as my first victim...  
  
Not much to that story.....he had hit my mother for not having dinner on the table on time......he yelled, screamed, pushed me.....threw his hand through a few walls......so....I desided to make him pay for it....  
  
.......I never ment to kill him....it just was so easy.....the way his neck snapped in my hands......after that....all I remember was my mother looking at me and asking me one word:  
  
"Why...?"  
  
..............  
  
The scarey thing was.......I couldnt answer.........  
  
I left that night, I think....I was only.....17......I never saw my mother again, I'm guessing she died of a heart attack......or some other painful death.....because of me......  
  
After that......I was like someone put a block on my mind....I couldnt remember anything before my 21st birthday.....all I remember was waking up in my house....I trudged into the bathroom, and looked at myself in the mirror.....  
  
Blood........  
  
......everywhere.  
  
It was all over the sink, the floor..... It coated my face, hands, clothes, drenched in my hair..........some mine, most of it not....and the sad thing was, that......I didnt even bat and eye.....  
  
I just pulled off my blood stained clothes, washed up, then went about my day as every other, I went to the corner store and got an ice sucky, sat and watched T.V. for a while.....then, when some asshole got me angery.....bam, I spent the rest of the night adding another coat of blood to my wall.  
  
After a while....the thought of DEATH didnt cause me PAIN anymore......nor REGRET.  
  
But........thats what scared me.....  
  
I felt NOTHING. If I were to cut myself.....it wouldnt hurt.....I'm not even sure if I would bleed. I'm far beyond PAIN or REGRET......or anything else that would even classify me as a human.....  
  
I couldnt care about anyone, not without hurting them,,,,,so, as I've said.....I BELONG alone.....some people are ment to live their lives with other people who care about them....some are ment to be alone........  
  
No more PAIN, no more REGRET,....no more anything......I'll live this life the same.....nothing fasing me.....until I face my own DEATH.......even then.....I'll still be questioning my own REFLECTION........  
  
  
  
END.  
  
  
  
Aoi Jade: *looks out from behind curtain* Well....? How bad was it?  
  
Readers: (insert what you thought here)  
  
Aoi Jade: Well, I hope I didnt do too much of a crappy job. This was the first time I've ever tried writing a Johonny fic...and, considering I've never actually READ the comic, *crosses fingers and hopes to find them in her area*, I kinda like the way it turned out! This does have alot more cussing than I would ever use in REAL life, or in any otherr fic, but, I was trying to put everything in Johnny's POV.  
  
^.~ Please Reveiw ^.~  
  
....OR I'LL HAVE THE CREATURE IN JOHONNY'S WALL COME AFTER YOU ON A DARK, STORMY NIGHT!!  
  
MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
...........  
  
Okay, I wont go that far, but, I'll be sad....*puppy dog eyes* 


End file.
